


don't you hate it when the teacher says it'll only be twelve questions

by HuaFeiHua



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: F/M, Humor, Love Confessions, Post-Canon, and also eternal twelfth wheel kilik, or at least an attempt at it idk, those are the tiny snippets of steinmarie scattered throughout the fic, yes all those characters are relevant and not just camoes, you all those way out in the distance?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 09:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13678818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuaFeiHua/pseuds/HuaFeiHua
Summary: …but then it turns out to be so much more? Because Soul does at first. But then Stein gives Spartoi a test that would change their lives forever.





	don't you hate it when the teacher says it'll only be twelve questions

_ Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. _

Soul lazily eyes the clock as the seconds drag by, his chin propped up tiredly on his elbow as he does so.

He feels the spine of a book make contact with his skull. He barely even flinches, long used to the feeling (this one isn’t so bad anyway) as his partner (whom he absolutely does  _ not _ like in _ any way  _ that is not completely,  _ 100%  _ platonic) mutters, “Sit up straight, Soul. Slouching isn’t good for you.”

“Book spines to the skull can’t be good for me either, but I don’t see you stopping that,” he lightly quips back. Maka harrumphs in reply but otherwise says nothing.

Soul continues complaining. “What are we even in here for? We’re graduating tomorrow for Death’s sake! How is it that we missed a test  _ three years ago _ due to the kishin that we’re only  _ just _ making up now?? And, scratch that, why weren’t we excused from the test in the first place? We were  _ saving the world! _ You’d  _ think _ that’s a valid enough excuse  _ not _ to take a test, but I guess not!!”

“You can say that again, Brotato,” Black Star chimes in from his seat. He puts his feet up on his desk, leaning back in his chair, much to the distress of his weapon partner. “I mean, if we’re graduating tomorrow then it  _ can’t _ have been  _ that _ important, am I right? They can’t just hold us back because we didn’t take some dinky little pop quiz. We kicked  _ ass _ that day! Besides, they’re probably just messing with us. I’ll bet they’ve already printed out our diplomas and are gonna give it to us early because we’re just that awesome.”

Maka opens her mouth to reply, but Soul never gets to hear what she has to say. Professor Stein rolls into the room on his swivel chair, getting everyone’s attention with his usual keeling over in the doorway.

He rights his swivel chair without a word and finishes rolling into the room, right up to his desk in the front of the classroom. Realigning his papers, he tells the members of Spartoi, “So in the mess that was the kishin fight three years ago, it seems that we have failed to give you this one very important test. But don’t worry. It’s only twelve questions. Considering the fact that you can’t graduate if you don’t take it, now is your only option.” 

He very blatantly ignores all the dropped jaws and begins to pass out the papers. “No retakes,” he drawls, absently twisting the screw in his head. “Remember to answer each question honestly and correctly. Do not turn your paper over until I say you may do so. No switching forms. No need to write your names on the forms. I’ll know who’s who from your handwriting. Aaaand…” He checks his watch. “You may begin.”

_ That was weird, _ Soul thinks as he flips his test over. He almost skims over the instructions, but there’s a little bolded clause at the end of it that catches his eye.

**If you fail to do these questions in order, I will not hesitate to dissect you.**

Shockingly enough, this is new for Stein, who is not allowed to threaten students with dissection due to education code. But, stealing a subtle glance to the front, a chill runs down Soul’s spine when he sees their teacher casually sharpening a hacksaw ( _ Seriously, is that even a proper tool for surgery? _ ) at his desk, occasionally glancing up to glare at the students.

Everyone gulps in unison.

Soul returns his attention to his test and now much more carefully reads the fine print beneath the instructions.

**Your name is Death the Kid.**

_ What? Stein must be going cuckoo and gave us the wrong forms,  _ he thinks, flipping the test over on instinct, checking to see if there was anything he missed on the back. It is, of course, blanker than Black Star’s thought process. 

More confused than ever, he furtively glances around the room. Unfortunately, he can’t see anyone’s face but Maka’s from his perspective, and  _ she’ _ s currently completely engrossed in her reading of the test. No confusion that he can see.

_ Well, whatever. He said he’d recognize our handwritings anyway…  _ Returning his attention to his test, he finally reads the first question.

  1. **Say your catchphrase out loud.**



He hasn’t got a catchphrase though??? Not that he’s aware of, anyway.

“This is so unco—” he begins to mutter (assuredly only out of habit), but, two seats away, Black Star abruptly leaps onto his desk and cuts him off.

“IT IS I!!!!” he crows, throwing his fists in the air in an imaginary victory. “THE _GREAT_ **_BLACK STAR!!!_** _THE KISHIN QUIVERS BEFORE ME!!!!!!”_

There is a full ten seconds of silence and gawking. Black Star doesn’t even twitch, holding his hands in the air the entire time.

Stein absently reaches over and taps a button on his desk, and quick as a wink, a shock of electricity jumps onto Black Star, effectively shocking him. Dazed, the not-quite-assassin falls back into his seat with a soft  _ thud. _

Everyone slowly turns their attention back to their professor with horror. He absently picks up a scalpel and begins to polish it. “Follow the directions,” he tells them, his glasses gleaming  _ very _ dangerously. 

Soul shivers as his gaze falls back down to his test paper.

**Your name is Death the Kid.**

On one hand,  _ oh.  _

On the other,  **_no._ **

“Black Star,  _ no _ ,” Maka easily says beside him, crossing her arms and tapping her pen against her arm. Ten seconds  _ crawl _ by for Soul, but at the end of them, Professor Stein doesn’t even flinch. He only glances up at them expectantly.

Patty breaks the silence with merry laughter as she tosses her test paper in the air. As it flutters in front of him, Soul manages to catch a glimpse of what her paper says—  **Your name is Elizabeth Thompson** — before she yells, “KID, FORGET ABOUT THE TOILET PAPER!!”

At last, it clicks with everyone else.

“Your days are numbered, villain: your soul is mine!” states Ox as he pushes his glasses farther up his nose with a smug grin. With a glare, Maka kicks the back of his seat. 

“Don’t you butcher my line,” she mutters, but no one else hears it, for the others are already shouting what they (at least assume to be) each others’ catchphrases:

“G-giraffes?” Tsubaki stutters with great hesitancy and confusion. 

Meanwhile, Harvar gets up from his seat, his face as blank and unreadable as ever. He twirls around, holding out an empty palm to Kim and saying, as deadpan as ever: “You owe me money.”

“ _ Wh-what?? _ ” the pink-haired girl sputters. “That’s not my catchphrase!” she protests, standing up with a flourish as Harvar just as crisply sits back down. 

Her chair and desk briefly crackle with energy,  and Kim yelps in surprise, jumping away from them in shock. Fortunately, she hadn’t been touching either of them, but Stein throws her a dirty look anyway. 

“And neither is  _ that _ your catchphrase, now is it?” he coolly tells her. 

Fearfully, Kim sits down again. Stein makes no move to shock her again, and she breathes a sigh of relief. “Well, according to my research,” she says in her best impression of Ox, halfheartedly pretending to push glasses further up her nose.

In front of Soul, Jackie grunts noncommittally. A few seats away from him, Liz clears her throat and says in her deepest voice, “It is I, the great Black Star!”, eliciting a laugh from her sister at the impression.

_ This _ manages to get Black Star back in action. He finally stirs, and leaps back up again, giving Liz a high-five, grinning all the while. “This is so uncool!” he declares, and Soul realizes with a start that that’s  _ his _ catchphrase. Three years ago. (But that’s okay; none of them have had catchphrases since they were twelve.)

He eyes his paper, then looks up at Kid, who, in all honesty, really doesn’t  _ need _ to be taking the test considering he’s been the headmaster of the entire school for three years. And then he promptly realizes that neither of them have recited catchphrases yet.

“A kiss with a fist!” Kilik yells, pounding his own fists together (devoid of his weapons, of course; they’re too young to yet graduate). 

Soul’s eyes bug out at him.  _ Is he really that stupid?? Even Black Star got the memo! _ he thinks, and yet their teacher doesn’t shock him. 

Awkwardly, Kilik lowers his fists. “What? That’s my catchphrase. I don’t know what  _ you _ guys are doing.”

“NO WAY, HOW DID YOU GET YOUR OWN NAME??” Black Star howls, but another (smaller voltage, likely out of pity) jolt of electricity hits him.

“It’s so symmetrical,” Soul finds himself saying. He also finds himself to be the second-to-last to say his new “catchphrase”, but fortunately, all that is ignored as everyone turns  _ very _ expectantly to Kid. Having known each other so well for the last few years means that they  _ all _ know whose paper Kid has now. It’s the mystery of  _ what _ he interprets her catchphrase to be that hangs in the air, heavy with expectation.

Kid heaves a sigh and gets out of his seat, much in the same manner that Harvar had.  He reaches a hand towards the ceiling, but soon brings it down in some sort of strange hand gesture, somehow ending up with a wicked grin and a peace sign. “My name is Jacqueline O’Lantern Dupré, the demon weapon lantern, and in the name of the flame, I’ll immolate you!”

He bows and sits back down, still grinning. Jackie’s jaw has dropped down so far, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see it touch the floor at this point.

_ Well,  _ **_that_ ** _ was a show, _ Soul thinks, and flashes his friend a grin of amusement, but it hardly lasts long, seeing that Maka elbows him in the arm.

She doesn’t even have to say anything. He returns to his test and reads—  _ Death _ , were they seriously all only on question two? Whatever.

  1. **Which of you foolish children started the SteinMarie ship?**



“Well, it’s canon, isn’t it?” Liz says, and everyone murmurs in agreement. “You literally have a toddler at home with her.”

“Perhaps,” their teacher replies dryly, “But you still know far too much about teachers’ personal lives. It’s none of your business, really, but if I find out who  _ did _ start this, then…”

_ Why must our teacher be so scary?? _ Soul wonders as a chill runs down their collective spines for the third time in the last ten minutes. 

“CRONA DID!!” Kim yells. “CRONA STARTED IT WITHOUT REALIZING IT WHEN THEY TOLD US ABOUT HOW YOU GUYS WERE LIVING TOGETHER!!”

“Yeah!” Jackie agrees, and more scattered agreement runs through the students as Stein stares very intently at the shock button, looking quite torn. After all, with Crona on the moon keeping it covered in black blood, there is no possible way for him to dissect them, but there must still be  _ some _ form of repentance from the children. 

He decides to let it go, and Spartoi lets out a quiet sigh of relief when he returns to his dissection tools.

(It was Liz.)

  1. **Three students in the front row, capture a student from the back row. Restrain them and rub their belly.**



Ox, Harvar, and Jackie exchange knowing looks, then nod. 

Soul can only watch with disappointing neutrality as they jump up from their desks as one, eyes trained on Kid.

“ _ Oh, snap, _ ” the shinigami mutters and bolts from his seat, sprinting for his life to the back of the amphitheater-style classroom, then down the side towards Stein. “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO…” 

“JACKIE, TAKE THE RIGHT FLANK!” Ox cries. “WE CAN CUT HIM OFF LIKE THAT!”

“…NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO…” 

“GOT IT!”

“…NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,  _ NO! _ ABSOLUTELY  _ NOT _ …!”

Chairs get kicked over, at least three desks are overturned, and not one single other member of the clique lifts a single finger to help their own headmaster and god of death escape from the clutches of Ox, Harvar, and Jackie. 

Patty howls with laughter as the boys latch onto Kid’s limbs and Jackie gives his stomach a good pat. He promptly withers, and they have the good sense to bring him back to his own desk, where his soul very nearly departs his body.

Liz pats him on the head, saying soothing words. Patty, on the other hand, continues to laugh.

  1. **In two minutes, form a rock, paper, scissors tournament and have the four semifinalists write their real names on the board. Winners will attempt to impress me for extra credit.**



There’s a dangerous gleam in Maka’s eye all of a sudden as she faces Soul and holds out her hand. “You can never have too much extra credit,” she solemnly says, but Soul simply facepalms.

“We’re graduating  _ tomorrow _ ,” he says.

“ _ If _ we pass this test. You don’t know if we might need extra credit. C’mon, play me!”

“You’re not a piano.”

Spine-skull contact established. 

“Okay, okay…”

Rock, paper, scissors. Huh, a tie. 

Rock, paper, scissors. Another one?

_ Rock-paper-scissors. _ “Maka, what the hell? How do we keep tying?”

“How should  _ I _ know? Logically speaking—”  _ rockpaperscissors _ — “This shouldn’t be happening!”  _ rockpaperscissors rockpaperscissors rocpaprscis—rocpaprscisrokpsciss _

“Whoohooooo!!!!!!! I won!!”

_ “Huh???” _ Both Soul and Maka jerk their heads up to see Black Star standing atop the thin ledge the blackboard provides, his massive signature proudly displayed on the board itself along with those of Kilik, Jackie, and Harvar. “How did—”

“—But we—!”

_ “We never even finished one round!” _ Maka weeps, cradling her head in her hands at the idea of losing extra credit.

“There, there,” Soul awkwardly says as he pats her just as awkwardly on the back, looking away. (His face absolutely is  _ not _ heating up in a blush, thank you very much.) “Let’s be real, this test isn’t all that serious at all.”

“Soul, you can’t just say that when our  _ diplomas _ are on the line!”

“It’s okay. Let’s just move on with the test.”

  1. **If you did not make it into the top four, blindfold yourself with your uniform jacket. Further instructions shall be provided verbally.**



Half sniffling, Maka obeys. 

Soul kisses sweet goodbye to his vision and puts way more trust into Black Star to not do anything  _ too _ stupid than really is logical and blindfolds himself as well.

“None of you losers can see, right?” Stein calls.

“Blind as a bat, sir,” Kid calls, but he’s interrupted by their teacher.

“ _ Miss Diehl, _ magic is  **not** allowed in this classroom. _ Please _ cease that x-ray vision spell at once.”

“Ooohhh busted,” Black Star sings as Kim quickly stops her muttering and sinks her hands into her pockets, turning her head away.

“Well, what are you bumbling buffoons waiting for?  _ Impress me!” _ Professor Stein snaps at the winners. Soul can’t tell what’s going on in the front of the classroom, but all the weird grunting sure makes him concerned.

“Black Star, please don’t be doing anything stupid,” Tsubaki groans from nearby.

“Okay, kids. The rest of your instructions are written in braille on your test. Have fun with that.”

_ “Braille??” _ Liz cries. “But none of us can read  _ braille! _ ”

“We  _ assume _ ,” giggles Patty.

Soul is personally a little more concerned about what’s going on up front  _ Seriously _ , though,  _ what  _ could they  _ possibly _ be doing that involves, like,  _ three _ loud crashes? Though, then again, that  _ is _ Black Star up front.

“Well, then, you’ll just have to figure something out,” Stein replies. “This is a test. I’m not supposed to be helping you.”

“AUUUGHHHHH THIS SUUUCKSSSS,” Ox yells. “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SUPER-IMPORTANT TEST, NOT SOME JOKE.”

“For once,  _ same,  _ Ox,  _ same, _ ” Maka mutters.

“ _ ‘#5.5: Guess what the four winners are doing for extra credit.’, _ ” Kim reads aloud. “And then in fine print beneath that it says,  _ ‘You will not receive extra credit for guessing correctly what the extra credit opportunists are doing. This is a mandatory questionnaire for the test.’  _ ”

If they could see, the seven remaining blindfolded students would have stared at her. Soul opens his mouth to ask how and when she learned to read braille and is quite sure he’s not the only one wondering such a thing, but the guessing game has already begun.

“Sacrificing the desks to the desk god!” Liz tries.

A blast of heat rushes by all eight of them. “Nope,” Jackie’s tinny voice replies. 

“Reenacting Hiro’s school domination with the help of Excalibur?” asks Ox.

The classroom door slams open. “FOOLS!” The sound of it alone is enough to make three boys grimace. “TO TELL A STORY ABOUT EXCALIBUR, YOU NEED—” There’s a pause for dramatic effect, and the blindfolded students hold their breaths. “ **_EXCALIBUR._ ** ” There’s a very loud  _ thwack! _ , followed up by Kilik very loudly protesting. However, it’s overridden by Excalibur’s egomaniac song, and the blindfolded students, as they colloquially say,  _ sweatdropped. _

“Would you like to hear the story of my birth?” the creature asks once he has completed a round, “Oh, well of  _ course _ you do; how silly of me to even ask. It all started on a Thursday in January, in England. Or was it perhaps a Wednesday? It was on a Thursday or Friday in the winter of the sixteenth century in the British Isles—”

“nOPE!” yells Black Star, followed up by what sounds like the heftiest of punts, the shattering of glass, a number of thumps and thuds, and then finally, the yowling of a cat as the creature known as Excalibur distantly hits the ground.

“FOOLS!” he distantly calls.  “YOU CAN NEVER GET RID OF MEEEE!!”

“Well, I’d say that Black Star just punted the biggest, most obnoxious creature ever to exist out the window,” Kid guesses, and Stein sighs.

“You know what, I’ll give you all that one. Don’t remove your jackets yet, though. There’s another part.”

“Kim?” Maka asks, and the witch obliges.

“ ‘ _ #5.38: _ —’ Seriously? Why would you have 5.38  _ after _ 5.5?”

“Who cares!” Soul snaps as he feels something graze his cheek. At this rate, there will  _ be _ no classroom to take the test in, and as great as that sounds, it seems like there’s just no getting out of it whatsoever without sacrificing one very important piece of paper.

“ ‘ _ #5.38: Draw the Apple logo.’ _ ,” Kim reads. 

There’s a quiet, collective sigh of relief as the eight blindfolded kids pick up their pencils and set to work.

Soul frowns in concentration. He’s never been the most artistically gifted, at least in the visual aspect of things, but Kid’s sniffling is a  _ little _ bit distracting. 

“It won’t be symmetrical,” he softly sobs.

“Kid, I thought you got over this,” Liz chides, and he does abruptly cease.

“You’re right. I can’t be held back by the past. I have grown and developed as a character!”

Soul hopes Kid drew the most amazing Apple logo on the face of this earth because he knows for a fact his own  _ sucks _ .

“All right, you can stop trying to impress me. Go back to your seats. You all fail. Extra credit for Kilik only because he did something  _ reasonable _ and  _ non-destructive. _ ”

“Yes!! Handstands for the win!!!”

“And Harvar, too, I guess, since he didn’t get in anyone’s way.”

“WHAT??” Jackie’s voice rings through all of their ears, and the heat of her flame brushes up against everyone’s noses as she zooms back to the front. “But all he did was sit there and pretend to be a potted plant! How was  _ that _ impressive?!?”

“It was impressive because he did it for five straight minutes. Knowing you children with your attention spans of gnats, that is quite impressive.” A pause. “You may remove your blindfolds now.”

Soul gladly obliges and, while he has to take a second to squint and blink slowly to adjust to the sudden brightness, notes that the classroom is quite prominently not on fire, which is remarkable considering the fact that a flaming lantern had just been flying around the room.

All the other damage is negligible because  _ hey _ at least the school didn’t get burned down.

As soon as Black Star, Harvar, Kilik, and Jackie settle back into their seats, everyone proceeds with the test.

  1. **Give your partner a piggyback ride.**



_ Uhhhhh…  _ Soul’s brain blue screened. 

“Augh!!” he exclaims when someone leaps onto his back, cackling like mad. 

“Forward, horsie! Giddyup, let’s go, let’s go!” Patty cheers.

_ Right. My name is Death the Kid.  _ “Let’s go, Patty,” he says, grunting with effort as he gets up from his seat. Maka shoots him a concerned look, but he brushes her off.

“I’m Liz,” Patty giggles, “remember?” She points at Tsubaki as Soul shuffles over to a set of stairs. “ _ She’s _ Patty.”

“Right. Of course.”  _ Geez, when did Patty get so heavy?? _ Soul internally laments, feeling his leg muscles die in horrible, fiery pain, as he carries just another step forward. “Okay, Patty, I’m going to have to put you down now because you’re  _ way _ too heavy.”

“’Kaaaay~” Patty hops off and gives him a grin before running off to fetch her fellow weapon.

“YAHOOOOO!!” Black Star whoops as he shatters Ox’s spine with a heart-stopping leap. 

Maka smirks at the sight, Liz upon her back as they play the roles of Tsubaki and Black Star respectively. Soul can’t help but to gawk at how strong she is, carrying someone as tall and heavy as Liz with her wisp of a frame. 

Tsubaki hums in the background, and Soul pivots around to face her, startled. He narrows his eyes at her amused expression but decides not to say anything about it, instead choosing to leap onto her back and be carried over to Kim.

“’Sup, Jackie,” he says to her weapon partner with a grin. 

“’Sup, Soul.” She returns both his greeting and his grin. “How convenient it is to get your own partner again, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t know, Jackie. I—”

_ BZZZT!  _ Kilik loudly swears as he leaps out of his seat. He glares at Professor Stein. “WHAT WAS THAT FOR???”

“You’re not doing anything! Read the instructions, boy! You have to give somebody a piggyback ride! Look, even Harvar has given Kid a piggyback ride!” Stein scolds. 

In the very back of the room, Harvar flashes a peace sign at their classmates as Death the Kid slides off his back.

“But I  _ got _ my own name! What do you  _ want _ me to do??” Kilik yells, but their teacher just shrugs.

“Hug yourself,” he replies, “Unless you learn how to clone yourself, it’s either that or get dissected, and you know which one I’m above doing.”

Kilik opens his mouth to respond but then realizes that that’s a  _ very _ bad idea. Delicately, he sits down and hugs himself with everyone watching and judging him for how awkward it is.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?” Stein asks, twisting the screw in his head again. “Back to your seats, children. We must continue the examination.”

“If you can even  _ call _ it a proper examination,” Maka mutters, still the slightest bit salty about how  _ much _ of their life depends on this  _ one _ test that isn’t even taking itself seriously. Soul pats her on the head in an attempt to calm her down, and for once, she doesn’t Maka Chop him. 

  1. **Make a seated line of seventeen.**



“But Professor, we haven’t  _ got _ seventeen kids here right now!” Jackie objects. “How can we make a line of seventeen when there’s not enough students.”

“WAIT, I GOT THIS!!” Black Star yells, leaping up onto his desk, where he squats and contorts his face. Soul is almost concerned that the boy needs to go to the restroom, but even his thoughts are drowned out by Black Star’s yelling.

It’s an impressive cry. It’s the kind of thing that could bust eardrums if one wasn’t used to it.

Would have been more impressive if it did anything other than that.

“What was that supposed to be?” Ox asks as Tsubaki gently tries to pull him back into his seat.

“CLONE STAR!!” is Black Star’s shouted reply. “I WAS GOING TO MAKE MORE COPIES OF MYSELF!!”

“Coming from the guy who makes it a point to get zeros on all his tests, I’m surprised that you’d even offer to do that,” Maka dryly says.

No one gets to reply to that, as they all receive a quick electric shock for not obeying the instructions fast enough.

“PROFESSOOOOOR!” they whine, but Stein tuts at them.

“Should have waited for clarification, kids. Now it’s time to move on.”

He ignores their (quite prominent) grumbles, and they’re forced to move on.

  1. **Draw your partner genderbent.**



Soul’s mind flashes back to their time in the book of Eibon and flushes.  _ Haven’t thought about  _ that _ time in so long…  _

Beside him, Maka raises her hand, a bloody streak smeared upon the side, and says, “Professor Stein, may I go to the restroom? I have a nosebleed, and it’s dripping on my test.”

Literally everyone except Stein turns to look at her, their expressions either shocked or horrified. Does she  _ really _ not know what she just said??? Or does she simply not know what it means in the broader, more urban sense?

“Tissues are up front,” their teacher replies, bored. “You may come get one of these and return to your test.

Soul catches himself staring at her and quickly returns to his test, sketching the likeness of Eibon-influenced Maka in the space provided, feeling kind of awkward about it while also hoping that it would be passable. After all, he  _ sucks _ at drawing.

**8.∞. On the topic of your partner, sit on their lap and straddle them. Bring your test with you.**

“Ummmm,  _ WHAT?”  _ Kid says immediately, which is pretty much what everyone else is thinking in the same moment. “Stein, this is ridiculous. Can we just  _ not? _ ”

Stein taps a little  _ too _ closely to the electrocute button for Soul’s tastes. “I can electrocute you.”

“I can  _ fire _ you.”

“I have tenure.”

“Think of the awkwardness.”

“Think of the  _ paperwork.” _

“Think of your  _ wife.” _

Stein’s finger suddenly zoops over to the button. “I’ll cut you kids a deal and knock off the straddling,” he concludes. He presses the button anyway. Kid smarts from the brief shock. “ _ That _ was for sassing me. Chop, chop, children.”

And that is how Soul ends up with two girls on his lap, unable to see any of the three tests in front of them until Tsubaki hands him his copy.  _ Dammit, my legs are falling asleep…  _

Kilik only smirks at all of them, his legs crossed and  _ dammit _ it counts. Everyone silently curses him for being so lucky.

**9.1. Define 17/8 time in music.**

“I can’t read music. I’m an illiterate,” Black Star immediately pipes up.

“I can’t believe you even  _ know _ the word illiterate,” says Maka. “Only people who  _ read _ know that word, and I have grounds to believe you’re  _ actually _ illiterate.”

“Well, it’s not like  _ you _ know the answer, now do you, Pigtails?” Soul smiles smugly. Being the only person in the room with any background knowledge in music whatsoever is really paying off as he scribbles in the answer. 

Everyone seems to come to the same conclusion as he in that moment as, all of a sudden, all eyes are on him.

“Psst, Soul,  _ Bro, _ what’s the answer?” Black Star not-so-discreetly whispers through his teeth. 

“My dude, the only reason you can even count to seventeen is because that’s how old we are,” Soul says. “I don’t—”

Everyone receives a shock.

“No cheating!” Stein says sternly. “You’re lucky I didn’t hang you all from the blackboard. Moving on.”

**9.2. Name an animal besides humans with fingerprints.**

“Seriously, Professor, what’s with these questions?”

“Are we almost done with the lap thing?”

“Does it  _ have _ to be  _ finger _ prints?”

“Shush, children!” their professor chides. “These are just the filler questions. They’re worth, like, a fifth of a point each. When you finish section nine, you can get off each other’s laps.”

“But does it  _ have _ to be fingerprints??”

“Do as you wish, you diseased children.”

**9.3. What’s the most evil thing you can do to a giraffe in the wild?**

Patty gasps audibly. “You could— [The following content is censored in order to maintain the appropriate rating.]— and, and, and  _ then _ you’d have to take the peas and just— [The following content is censored in order to maintain the appropriate rating.]— with a bucket of— [The following content is censored.]— hippopotamus— [The following content is censored.]— in a castle far, far away where no one can hear you— [Censored.]— the number forty-three— [Censored.]— with a bucket of— [Do I even need to say it anymore?]—  _ soup!!!” _

She struggles to catch her breath. Everyone stares at her with utter horror. At least three pencils have fallen out of hands in shock. Even Stein looks disturbed.

“And that’s not even  _ counting _ —” she begins again, but Tsubaki recovers quickly, covering Patty’s mouth with her hand to shut her up. 

“Now, now, Patty. Not all of us wish to see the school psychiatrist,” she says soothingly.

“The  _ school psychiatrist _ is more than a little disturbed,” Stein says. “ _ I _ sure as hell won’t be taking this case.”

There’s a pause as everyone tries not to think about everything Patty said.

“Can we move on now?” Kilik asks weakly.

**9.4. In Minecraft™, how many blocks does water flow on the ground if there are no holes or declines in height?**

“Pffft, who plays  _ Minecraft _ anymore? We’re not  _ twelve _ !” Ox says.

Black Star slowly turns to stare at Ox with offense written all over his face as he puts a hand to his chest in shock.  _ “I _ do.  _ I _ still play Minecraft,  _ Ox.  _ Don’t we,  _ Soul?” _

Soul starts sweating bullets. He  _ does _ still play Minecraft, but only when Black Star asks him. Even then, they only mess around with the n00bs by making TNT and exploding it  _ just _ outside the radius of their homes. “Uhhh…” 

“Yeah, he does,” Maka says, bored. “I hear him at it late at night on weekends. Keeps me up sometimes.”

Everyone stares at her.

“W-well, it’s better than the alternative,” Liz stammers.

“ _ Call of Duty _ ? Or  _ Assassin’s Creed _ ?”

“Nevermind,” the cowgirl quickly says.

“Anyway, we should get back to the test at hand.” Ox pushes his glasses farther up his nose. “Black Star— wait, you can’t count. Soul, how many blocks of water  _ does _ water flow in Minecraft assuming there are no holes or declines in height?”

“I CAN COUNT TO SEVENTEEN!”

“Well, uhh,” Soul says, struggling to think of the last time he used a Minecraft bucket of water in a way that would fit this criteria.

“The answer’s eight, by the way,” Jackie lazily cuts in, folding her arms across her chest and sending bored looks in everyone’s direction. 

“HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT??” Kilik yells.

“How do  _ you _ know it’s true?” Jackie says, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I, uh… Well, I, uhhh,  _ maybe _ I still play sometimes?”

“Cool. I’ve been running the server  _ those _ two idiots—” Jackie glares at Soul and Black Star for about three seconds each— “blow up since I was nine, and I have to say, it’s nice to know whose asses to kick in real life for blowing up my  _ entire base _ because  _ I _ happened to want to pressure plate all my doors at the wrong time.”

“THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO!!” Black Star protests. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STILL REMEMBER THAT!!”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW LONG AGO IT WAS, WHAT MATTERS IS THE FACT THAT I CAN FINALLY EXTRACT MY  _ REVENGE!!!” _

“Guys. Guys. Guys. Let’s stop fighting and finish this test  _ together, _ ” Kid interrupts. “I know  _ I’d _ like to get out of this.”

“Kid, you  _ can _ get out of this. You’re the headmaster. You control this guy’s paycheck,” Maka says, gesturing over to Stein, who stares at them all with mild interest. “Why  _ are _ you still here?”

“Because it would be unfair for you all to not be able to graduate for not taking one test that I also did not take.”

“What- _ ever _ , let’s just keep going,” Liz groans.

**9.5. Without going back and counting, how many questions have you answered so far?**

Ox gets shocked immediately. 

Soul cranes his neck to see his answer—  _ 14 _ — and, thinking about it, wonders why that’s not right. After all, there was that extra question attached to five, and this is the fifth part of nine. That’s five extra questions atop the other nine. Fourteen.

“The answer’s nine and a half, idiots,” Black Star says, scribbling in the answer for himself. “It says so on the paper.”

While Soul will admit that they’re  _ on _ question nine and a half, they haven’t answered nine and a half questions.  _ Except— wait, why isn’t Black Star getting shocked? _

“He’s right, you know,” a high pitched voice meows nearby.

“Blair?” he says aloud, and the cat jumps into the room from the still-open window.

“Nya,” Blair says innocently. She stares curiously at all the teenagers taking the test, all of whom are now also staring back at her. “What’s going on?”

“They’re taking a test, Miss Blair,” Stein coldly answers for them. “Please exit so that you may not be a distraction.”

“Just a mi _ nya _ te, Little Miss B just has something to tell one of her dear kittens,” she purrs, leaping gracefully onto Soul’s shoulder. 

Soul can’t see her very well from the corner of his eyes, but it’s the feeling of her claws digging into him that terrifies him anyway.  _ “If you don’t do the last question right, Little Miss B is going to make sure you will never be able to _ —”

“Miss Blair, remove yourself from the room at once or I will be forced to do it for you,” Stein threatens.

“How so?” she asks him sweetly, still digging her claws into Soul’s shoulder.

_ BZZZT! _

Blair yowls in pain from the shock and scampers out of the room. “Good luck, Maka!” she calls as she exits.

“Thanks, Blair!”

Soul extinguishes a bit of his singed hair. “Where’s  _ my _ good luck?!?!?”

“You already got what I came to give you!” the cat snaps from outside.

_ “Dammit.” _

  1. **You may get off each other’s laps now.**



Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Soul almost cries; he can feel his legs again, kind of. He can use his desk to write his answers instead of Tsubaki’s back.  _ He doesn’t have to feel awkward anymore! _

**10.01. You’re too ugly for your shirt and it deserves better than to be stuck on you.**

The image of the  _ ‘I would prefer not to’ _ meme is the first thing that pops into Soul’s head. Unfortunately, the first thing to appear before his eyes when he looks up from his test is Harvar unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it aside as though it were the most normal thing in the world to be stripping for a test.

_ I mean, seriously— HARVAR going along with all this?? _ Soul thinks.  _ We don’t know if that’s what the question is even really asking! What if— _

“FREE YOURSELVES, MY MINIONS!!!” Black Star screams as he leaps onto his desk, tearing his shirt off while he’s at it. “FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE BURDEN THAT IS YOUR SHIRT AND DO AS YOU MUST WITH THE FEELINGS THAT RESULT!!!!!”

When Black Star turns around, yells at Kilik, and  _ doesn’t _ get shocked, Soul realizes that this is  _ exactly _ what the question is asking for.

And boy, does he want out right this instant.

“HYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Kilik yells as he jumps onto his desk and removes his shirt much in the same way as Black Star.

_ “HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”  _ Black Star replies and together, they face Ox.

They don’t even have to yell for the nerd to remove his shirt, hop onto his own desk, and join them.

Nervously, Soul takes off his jacket, but as he starts removing his shirt, he remembers that it’s not just boys that are taking this test, they just happen to be the loud half. Furtively, he steals a glance at his partner and is not sure how to feel to see her very much  _ not _ shirtless. Which is, he supposes, for the best— her abs are probably ten times better than whatever he likes to think he has. However, she  _ is _ shoeless, and as he throws his shirt aside, he also throws her a questioning glance.

She looks at his scar for a second, then away, turning red as she points to a line he hadn’t bothered to read.

**Girls can be too ugly for their shoes.**

Soul doesn’t know what to think or feel, so seeking some semblance of sanity among the deafening cries of Kilik, Black Star, and Ox (and no, Harvar does  _ not _ count as sane because he was the one crazy enough to go shirtless first), turns to Kid.

Kid doesn’t see him, as he is focused on unbuttoning his shirt. Soul has no idea why he’s not done, but when Kid finishes and tosses aside his shirt to reveal yet another shirt underneath, he understands.

“That’s five,” Kid mutters, starting on the next shirt as Soul stares at him.

“Why,” is all Soul says, hoping he can be heard. Seriously, how have those three not lost their voices already.

“Soul, it’s either the symmetrical number  _ eight _ or the symmetrical number  _ zero _ . There is no in between. Now that’s six,” Kid says.

“How are you not hot wearing eight shirts every day?”

“Shinigami magic.”

“I see.”

At long last, both Ox and Kilik simultaneously conk out from lack of oxygen, and Black Star finishes up his hooting and sits back down with a very pleased grin on his face. Kid throws away his seventh shirt, and  _ nobody _ can look each other in the eye.

“Eight,” Kid says with satisfaction, returning his attention to the front of the room, his precisely folded hands sitting on his lap as if taking tests shirtless were normal.  _ Death, _ this was getting awkward. At least in Soul’s opinion.

**10.02. Stein knows how long it’s been since you’ve washed those pants. You disgust Stein. You have ten minutes to change into your PE shorts.**

_ “I _ think Stein needs to shut the hell up and mind his own beeswax,” Black Star huffs, crossing his arms.

“This is a test from  _ three years ago! _ We don’t have our gym clothes anymore! We took them back or donated them  _ weeks _ ago!” Maka protests. “How do you expect us to do this question without getting electrocuted if you  _ know _ all this??”

“I have copies of all your clothes in the closet by the door, now hurry up and go,” says Stein. “I wouldn’t give you a trick question like that. It’s against education code.”

“Why do you have copies of all our clothes?!?” Liz demands.

“Isn’t this entire  _ test _ breaking at least thirty sections of education code?” Tsubaki adds.

“FOR SCIENCE!! NOW  _ GO!” _

“Do we take our test with us?” Jackie asks.

“NO, THIS  _ IS  _ YOUR TEST!”

_ Nooooooo, _ Soul thinks.  _ Nooooo noooooo noooooooooooooo. _

But he goes anyway. 

Because Maka would be disappointed if he weren’t to pass this one stupid exam.

And disappointing Maka can have some painful results.

Returning to the classroom, he  _ does _ have to admit that walking around in just PE shorts during the Nevada summer  _ does _ feel great. The breeze coming in from the shattered window feels just as good on his bare chest. 

_ Man, maybe Stein was onto something with this. _

Black Star gets electrocuted the second he sits down.

“OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR??” he howls.

“You wear your pants on your legs, not your head, you absolute baboon,” Stein says, a little bit exasperated, but mostly irritated.

“Dang it,” Black Star says as he takes his shorts off his head and puts them on properly.

“I  _ told _ you so,” Ox tells him.

“Still should’ve counted.”

“Keep going, kids,” warns Stein.

**10.8. High five the person with your real name.**

Immediately, Kilik claps. 

Soul is immediately jealous because in the time it took to change into his gym shorts, he had forgotten who has his name.

Fortunately, not everyone has. Tsubaki shyly offers Maka her hand, and with a smile, Maka smacks it. That seems to jog everyone’s memory.

“Kiiiiiiim,” Ox sings. Rolling her eyes, Kim slaps the hand he gives her. Meanwhile, her partner scoots over to where Harvar is, and they kinda touch palms. When they’re done, Harvar looks expectantly at Kim.

She sighs, and high fives him because he  _ does _ have her name, after all.

“LIZ!” Black Star shouts, getting out of his seat  _ again _ . 

Liz reaches over and gives him a high five, then immediately reaches to high five her sister sitting on the other side of Kid. The sisters exchange an impressive amount of hand gestures and twirls before actually high fiving, and Soul is impressed.

“Bro,” Black Star calls, shaking his test at Soul and reminding him whose name he has. The scythe grins.

_ “Bro,” _ he says back.

_ “bRO,” _ Black Star replies.

“BRO!”

“ _ Broooooo! _ ”

“Bro.”

“Bro?”

“ **_B r o._ ** ”

“BrO,” Black Star confirms with a nod of his head.

Between the two bros, Maka snaps. “Dibromine monoxide is a compound, and it has  _ two  _ bromine atoms! For Death’s sake, just  _ high five already!” _

Soul gives Black Star a look they haven’t shared in a long time, and the almost-assassin nods. 

Soul nods back.

In the background, Jackie gives Kid a high five.

Black Star nods again.

Maka decides she’s sitting in the bromance equivalent of a warzone and gets out as fast as she can.

Soul nods, this time with more authority, initiating the bro moment.

“YEAH!!!!” Black Star yells, and they run at each other with arms outstretched.

“BLACK STAAAARRR!”

“SOUUUULLLLL!!”

_ “BLAAACK STAAAAARRR!!” _

_ “SOOOUUUUULLLLLLL!!!” _

Their hands make contact, and they pull each other into the manliest, bro-est, no-homo shirtless hug that Death City has known since the manly bro hug they had when Kid first arrived at Shibusen.

“I love you, bro,” Black Star sniffles.

“I love you, too, bro,” Soul replies as they pat backs.

“For goodness’ sake— Liz, Patty,” Kid says. 

The boys immediately end their hug as they remember how their original manly bro hug ended all those years ago.

Soul turns to Kid, remembering that he has Kid’s name, and opens up his arms to the shinigami. “Bro hug?”

Kid pauses, considering it for a moment. 

In the end, Soul’s grand total of bro hugs of the day remains only one.

Suddenly, the tension in the room is so thick it could be cut with a knife. 

Terrified, Soul turns around slowly to see Ox and Maka glaring daggers at one another.  _ Oh dear. _

Stein clears his throat, temporarily breaking the mood, and impatiently taps his desk just a  _ little _ too close to the button for comfort.

Maka’s steely gaze returns to Ox, and she scowls at him. Reluctantly, she offers him her hand.

Ox squints at her, then slaps her hand like it’s a flesh-eating plant. The both of them wipe their hands off on their shorts and quickly sit down, pretending that nothing happened.

  1. **i. Who is responsible for 80% of the school’s property damage?**



“Black Star,” everyone  _ except _ Black Star answers aloud.

“ _ Excalibur _ ,” Black Star says.

Everyone looks at him.

“He pisses me off,” he explains simply. 

They have to admit, he’s technically right.

  1. **ii. Why is Black Star a C student despite his potential?**



“A  _ C _ student?? Doc, I think you mean an  _ F _ student, for f—” Black Star begins.

“Hey!” Tsubaki cuts in, somehow louder than her partner.

“—ing  _ amazing. _ ”

“Well, according to my research,” Ox says, but Jackie cuts him off.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.  _ Woah. There. _ Why do you have  _ research _ on Black Star?” she asks.

“For science,” Ox sniffs, and their teacher nods in approval. “I just  _ had _ to find out where all his stupidity came from. After all, no mere mortal could ever act as idiotic as he.”

“That’s because I am a  _ god _ , peasant!” says Black Star. “None of you puny  _ mortals _ can  _ ever _ compare to the great  _ me!” _

“Regardless, it seems that the answer lies not in our realm of reality,” Ox continues, “But rather, beyond the confines of our three dimensions into the  _ fourth. _ Such a thing I have dubbed the  _ fourth wall _ , for reasons that I’m not yet allowed to explain.”

Everyone except Ox and Black Star exchanges dubious glances and come to the silent agreement to just respond with  _ ‘because he wants to be’ _ and be done with it. After all, Stein  _ had _ told them all those eons ago at the start of the test that it’s only twelve questions. They’re almost home free.

  1. **iii. List all your last names in order.**



_ For once, a factual question we can answer without copious amounts of research. _ Soul sighs with relief.

Ox finally notices that no one is listening to his jabbering and decides to shut up.

Soul picks up his pencil and answers the question.

_ Albarn, Diehl, Éclair, Evans, Ford, Lantern, Lung, Nakatsukasa, Star, Thompson. _

Soul puts down his pencil with satisfaction. 

There is not a single line of protest coming from anyone regarding the question.

  1. **Look at me.**



Feeling great about the previous question, Soul completes this question without hesitation, as does everyone else.

Stein gets up for the first time since the test began and pulls a stick of chalk out of his coat pocket and very slowly begins writing on the board. The whole class holds their breath in morbid anticipation. After all, they  _ are _ nearly done.

**12.25. Your** **_real_ ** **names have been returned to you.**

“SWEET, SWEET, SELF-IDENTITY!” Black Star screams, throwing his hands in the air. 

“Can’t relate,” Kilik comments dryly. 

Stein pushes a button on a remote and gives Black Star an electrical shock as he pulls down a projector screen.

“Dang it,” the blue-haired boy groans.

Stein continues writing questions on the board.

**12.67. Point to the person in your partnership who always causes things to go wrong.**

Immediately, the partner pairs exchange glances, but nobody points fingers.

“She’s a good partner??” Kim says. 

“And when we mess up it’s never only on one person???” Jackie adds.

Everyone adds in their scattered agreement.

Stein pauses his writing and strokes an imaginary beard. “I suppose,” he says. “You’re not a bunch of whiny thirteen year old idiots who like to peg blame on anyone, so I  _ suppose _ that I say this one has no answer anymore.” He pauses. “Anyway, return your attention to your papers.”

The lights dim, and everyone obeys.

**_12.75. Send your greetings to the one you like._ **

“Um, absolutely  _ not??” _ Liz yells immediately.

Soul immediately mentally agrees, and he’s sure that everyone in Spartoi also agrees with Liz’s sentiment until Ox stands up without a smidge of shame.

“Kim!” he declares.

Everyone flinches. They know what’s coming, but things have been rather  _ eugh _ lately between the two of them.

“ _ What, _ Ox?” Kim says. She looks away.

“IF MY LOVE FOR YOU WERE STARS IN THE SKY—”

Nearby, Black Star squints at Ox for that line.

“—THEN I’D HAVE ENOUGH BALLS OF HYDROGEN GAS TO LIGHT UP AN ENTIRE OCEAN!” the latter cries.

Black Star relaxes again.

“Please requite my love again~” Ox looks at Kim so sweetly, there might as well be a heart attached to the end of his words.

The witch sighs, burying her face in her hands. However, it’s difficult to tell if she does so out of embarrassment or exasperation until she stands up and smacks Ox’s glinting, bald head.

_ Yup, definitely exasperation _ , Soul thinks, until—

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CUT YOUR HAIR TO THE SCALP, OX??” Kim chides, tears in her eyes. “OF COURSE I LOVE YOU!”

The room is deadly silent as the couple of three years stares one another down. 

Suddenly, Kim sighs and holds her hand out to Ox, whose expression had lost its confident cheer. “I forgive you. Let’s go.”

Hand in hand, the two grab their tests, drop them off with Stein, and leave the room, free at last.

“Well, that was easy,” their professor remarks, gnawing on the butt end of an unlit cigarette.

“Oh,  _ come on _ , they’re already together!” cries Liz. “This isn’t fair to those of us not already in relationships!”

Up front, Harvar and Jackie exchange looks. Harvar picks up his shirt and pulls it back over his head. The two of them get up to leave, but they’re stopped by Stein, as expected.

“And what do you think  _ you _ two are doing?” he asks.

“Do you  _ really _ think we’re going to let our meisters go off on their own like that?” Jackie answers. “What if a witch shows up?”

“We’ve been at peace with the witches for three years.”

“What if Excalibur returns?”

“As boring as he is, he can’t do any harm.”

“What if,” Harvar slowly says, “all they need is a little protection?”

Everyone looks at Harvar with abject horror.

“Well, there goes the PG rating,” Stein sighs. “But you’re not allowed to leave without a confession.”

The two weapons roll their eyes.

“Oh,  _ Harvar _ ,” Jackie says, deadpan. “I think I’m in love with you.”

“It’s electrifying,” Harvar replies just as flatly. “How shocking it is, and how suddenly, too. Like a bolt of lightning and all that shiz. I think I love you.”

Stein studies the weapons very carefully as they roll their eyes and give him a pointed glare. “Just because Harvar’s rhymes, I’ll give it to you.”

“ _ Thank _ you, sir,” Jackie and Harvar sigh in unison, slapping their tests onto Stein’s desk. Very clearly and explicitly  _ not _ holding hands, they exit in search of Ox and Kim.

“That’s not going to work for any of the rest of you,” Stein informs all of them. “So, do we have any takers?”

Silence.

His finger hovers closer to the shock button. “Nobody?”

“Oh,  _ please, _ old man. How do you know if we’re even going to give the correct answer?” Black Star scoffs. “You  _ don’t _ . You’re just going off your own personal ships, as all teachers do in these situations, and  _ I’m _ not taking part in  _ any _ of this.”

“Actually,” Stein says as he pulls a piece of paper out from under one of the stacks on his desk and waves it in front of everyone with a wicked grin. “I have my sources.”

Soul’s eyes bug out of his skull at the sight. The print is too small to actually read, but leave it to Stein to know everything that goes on in the school.

Their teacher returns to the button at hand. “So, any takers?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Soul notices Maka bite her lip.

“You could shock me a hundred times and still not pry the information out of me,” says Liz as she grits her teeth.

Everyone braces themselves for the shock that’s undoubtedly coming with that smart remark.

But it never comes.

“You’re right,” Stein muses, leaning back in his swivel chair and giving it a lazy 360. “We’ve gone beyond the point where electric shocks mean anything to you kids.”

Soul’s heart stops when their teacher reaches for the hacksaw. On the side, Stein presses a button, and the projector flickers to life.

_ Beep.  _

**10**

_ Beep. _

**9**

_ What the— a  _ **_countdown_ ** _??  _ Soul wonders, panicked.

Kilik immediately raises his hand to speak. “I don’t like anyone,” he informs everyone in the most matter-of-fact tone possible. “Can I be excused?”

The countdown abruptly stops, and Stein squints at the paper in his hand. Soul along with everyone else holds his breath.

“It seems you are telling the truth, Kilik,” Stein says after a pause. The countdown resets. “You may leave.”

“Whoo!! Sayonara, weeaboos!” yells Kilik as he tosses his paper to Stein and exits.

“First of all, it’s Japanophile,” Black Star begins, but Kilik is already out the door. So instead, he grumbles: “Honestly, Kilik just had  _ all _ the luck today.”

“Honestly, I think you kids need to hurry up a little,” Stein says.

_ Beep. _

**10**

_ DAMMIT, OLD MAN, I’M NOT READY FOR THIS! _ Soul yells in his head, surprising himself.

_ Beep. _

**9**

He glances at Maka. In that moment, he accepts the fact that he likes her.

_ Beep. _

**8**

Even if he’s tried to hide it, even from himself, it’s been years. It’s not going away, and there’s no going back now.

_ Beep. _

**7**

_ BUT DAMMIT, STEIN, NOT RIGHT NOW! _ Soul desperately thinks.

_ Beep. _

**6**

_ GUYS! C’MON!! SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY JUST— _

“For a team that prides themselves on being courageous, we sure are being cowards, aren’t we?” Kid sighs.

_ Beep. _

**5**

_ DAMMIT, KID, THAT WASN’T A CONFESSION! _

_ Beep. _

**4**

“You know, kids,” Stein drawls as he lazily spins in his chair, testing the sharpness of his hacksaw against his fingertip. “It doesn’t really matter to me if you pass or not. You could just live for the rest of your tiny, miserable lives without getting to tell the one you love that you love them.”

_ Beep. _

**3**

He pauses to examine the blade a little more closely. His gaze drifts towards the photo of himself and his family on his desk for the briefest of moments before continuing.

_ Beep. _

**2**

“But then again, that’s not very brave of you kids.”

_ Beep. _

**1**

“Tsubaki!”

The timer pauses, and everyone turns to look at Black Star. Unsurprisingly, he’s standing up.  _ Surprisingly, _ he’s not yelling at the top of his lungs, instead somehow relegating his volume to merely his outdoor voice.

His weapon partner doesn’t flinch regardless. “Yes, Black Star?” she asks as patiently as ever.

“Insert smooth pickup line here!” he says.

Soul exchanges a confused look with Maka.

“Did he just literally say ‘insert smooth pickup line here’?” she asks.

“It seems so,” Soul answers.

It seems to work regardless.

Tsubaki laughs. “Insert equally smooth, yet slightly baffled, reply here,” she jokes, making a heart with her hands.

“Hell yeah! Go out with me on Wednesday??” Black Star invites as he reaches a hand out to her.

His partner grins as she takes his hand and stands up with him.  _ “Hell _ yeah.”

“Awwwww,” Liz coos as the new couple present their test papers to Professor Stein.

“You  _ do _ realize we’ll have to do this very soon as well, right?” Kid asks her as Stein looks at his reference list.

Liz turns red, swearing softly as she looks away.

Soul squints at her, slowly piecing something together.

“All right, children, let’s get back to it!” Stein calls. Black Star stays by the door to watch the show, and the countdown begins anew.

_ Heck, _ Soul thinks, panicking again.  _ Heck, heck, heck. _

_ Beep. _

**9**

Should he now? He has to at some point. Failing the test is not an option when it comes to Maka, so by extension, as her partner, it’s not an option for him either. Auuugh, but he’s just  _ barely _ had the time to process and realize his own feelings! It’s just so—

_ Beep. _

**8**

Liz shoots up, looking at nobody as she takes a few steps forward. “Kid,” she says, her voice wavering. The timer stops again. 

“I LOVE YOU!” she shouts and immediately afterward sprints from the room. She doesn’t even turn in her test up front, but Stein doesn’t seem to mind.

The four remaining people look at Kid for his reaction.

“I, uh, thought we had established that already?” he says sheepishly. Glancing briefly at everyone, he realizes something and stands up, gathering all eight of his shirts off the floor as he does so. “I should go. It seems we need to get ourselves on the same page.”

“Just one more to go,” Black Star notes with a grin. Soul glares at him, but he’s powerless against the bright red  **_5_ ** that shows up on the projector screen.

“Oh, I see, cutting out the first half of the countdown to speed things up,” he says as the number changes to  **_4_ ** **.** He gives Stein a look, who simply looks back at him with apathy.

_ Beep. _

**3**

_ Well, it’s now or not graduate, _ Soul thinks,  _ and that’s a little too close to never.  _

_ Beep. _

**2**

But it is not Soul that first speaks up.

“Soul Eater Evans!”

The countdown stops.

Soul turns to look at Maka. She trembles slightly as she stands, flushes red as he looks.

His stomach twists and turns as he looks at her and realizes she’s terrified of him. Well, he is of her too, but in other ways. He’s scared of her anger, of her book, of her terrible taste in music. But, he supposes, he’s also scared of her and her feelings, of himself and  _ his _ feelings.

There’s no time to do anything about it now; they haven’t got the time to stall anymore.

“I—”

The music is playing, and he, the musician must face and join it. 

_ “Love you.” _

“NOW KISS!!” Black Star shouts immediately after, and while Maka does tackle him for something, it’s only an embrace.

_ Man, this even feels normal shirtless, _ Soul thinks.

“Okay, okay,” Stein interrupts dully as he gets up, turns the lights on again, and rolls up the projector screen. “That’s enough mushy feelings for me. Kindly turn in your tests and exit. You too, Black Star. Run along and do whatever it is you measly children do when riddled with dopamine.”

Soul lets go of his partner, and they look at one another in a new light. Unsure of what to say, he lets his instincts take the lead and ends up with her tiny hand in his own.

Black Star is already gone by the time they have picked up their clothes, turned in their tests, and left the room, though it’s definitely notable that Soul and Maka are in the minority when it comes to picking up clothes.

“Well, that sure was something,” Maka says as they wander through the dead halls of Shibusen. “But I wonder why we didn’t see an influx of couples around school when we got back from defeating the kishin.”

Soul pulls his shirt back on, thoroughly regretting it once the early summer heat hits him again. “I dunno. Does it matter?”

“No, I suppose not,” Maka agrees. “We’re going to graduate tomorrow. Some test we missed three years ago doesn’t matter anymore.”

“HEY GUYS!” Black Star calls to them from outside. Alongside him is Tsubaki, of course, but also Kid and Liz. Patty’s not in the picture, but nobody questions it. “WE’RE GOING TO DEATHBUCKS! YOU COMING?”

“Yeah, of course!” Maka hollers back. She looks at Soul and tugs on his hand, grinning all the while. “Let’s go!”

In his classroom, Stein lights his cigarette at last. “You can come in now,” he says to the girl waiting in shadows by the door, and she does.

Blond haired and blue eyed, her appearance and personality exactly match that of the stereotypical dumb blonde. However, when considering the confessions she has just orchestrated under the ruse of a test, one will find that she is anything but. 

“I see that everything went exactly according to plan,” Stein tells her.

After all, there is more to Patricia Thompson, demon weapon of the shinigami himself, than meets the eye.

“Of course,” Patty giggles in reply. “I’ve been planning this for years now. But you  _ really _ made it work with those electric shocks. I’m not going to lie, they really sucked. By the way, did anyone notice me leaving when I followed after Kid and Liz?”

“No. Soul and Maka were too distracted with themselves, and Black Star couldn’t notice himself out of a paper bag.”

“You’re right. He’d be so distracted by the fact that he’s  _ in _ a bag that he wouldn’t even see the exit.”

Stein takes a puff of his smoke. “This has been your greatest idea ever.”

“Ohhh yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is based off a pokespe fanfiction called [Question Seven and a Half by Starran](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7398803/1/Question-7-and-a-Half) on ff.net (whom I really love despite not being in the pokespe fandom), which in turn was inspired by a kingdom hearts fanfic called [Simple Instructions by Xo.Kyorii](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6326975/1/Simple-Instructions), which they say was inspired by a real event in their life. I'm just here, continuing a line of inspired-by fics that has now traversed three fandoms and also real life. All I really want to do is inspire someone else into writing yet another test-that-makes-you-declare-your-love-to-your-crush fic so that the line of inspiration may continue through all fandoms until it becomes a fanfic cliché.  
> Unfortunately starran has fallen off the face of the earth since 2013 so I can't even tell her how much I love her stuff, but I hope this homage her work will suffice. I do encourage you all to go read Question Seven and a Half because it is genuinely funny.  
> anyway, thanks for reading!! i suppose this marks the end of my brief fling in the soul eater fandom haha. comments/kudos would be great, if you're into that sort of thing, and as always, have a greaaat daaaay~


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